A Final Violation
This is the Mermaid Trivet he stole. It's heavy, hand-painted and was thoughtfully picked out by a good friend for Kristyn as a birthday gift. It's something she values.
There is a person that I have known and been friends with on and off for the past fifteen years. There have been three stages in this relationship: the high school years, the party years, the I’m putting up with you years. I’m not going to name that person because to say what it is that this person has done is enough. Maybe you think it’s too much but there we’d disagree.
I am usually a pretty even person. I know I have a reputation for having a sharp tongue when pushed. That’s right. Regardless of however anyone sees me, the person that I AM is a thinker, a pattern-finder, a person who does not like to hurt anyone’s feelings, a person who wants to be a good person, a person who gives people second chances because that’s what I want, a person who tries to do her best in this life and tries to learn from mistakes. I also have no idea how to relate to people. I can get along with anyone, have a laugh, etc, etc, etc. I have never been able to figure out though, how to approach a person who obviously does not have your best interests at heart. I’ve done the “let it go” thing but that always ends up bad. If you let crap go, you just are telling that person that it is okay to treat you how they are and they inevitably keep going and you inevitably get mad. I’ve tried the “confront it head on” tactic but then you’re a nag. I’ve tried the “walk away” technique but always fall for it when the person comes back all smiles and “I’ve changed!” In some ways the problem lies in me because what I need to do is just find a way to walk away from certain people and never allow myself to turn that other cheek if the person is just bad, bad news. But I am a person who ACTUALLY loves people. Like if you know me and we’re not shanking each other at the moment (or even if we are), I LOVE your ass and will do what it takes to make things right. And if things go horribly wrong, I WILL give you second and third and fourth and fifth chances because I feel like I don’t want to be judged for the person I used to be. You never know what is going on in someone’s life at any given moment and therefore you can never really know where someone is coming from.
When my parents divorced, I said I was okay with that. I wasn’t okay with that. When you’re a kid and your parents divorce, you are allowed to have the requisite temper tantrums and tough times that go with the loss. When you’re 20, no one gives you that allotment. You are supposed to buck up, slap on a smile and be A-O-Fricking-K. All at the same time, my parents divorced, my Dad moved out, my Mom got a new boyfriend, my family took sides and everything fractured. It’s no one’s fault, we were all on new ground, every one of us. But I went from having this huge family to nothing. And when I leaned on my friends, they walked away. So the point is, I know what it is to go through shit and have everyone you know walk the hell away because your crap is too heavy at the moment.
So I forgive. I don’t forget but I forgive. I move past things or try to. I try to get on with it and like allow people to be who they are right now in this moment without a thousand other moments clouding it. Because of this, I am nice to people who have screwed me over. I receive flack for it but I’m not Mother Theresa. It’s selfish too because I don’t want to carry the burden of hating someone, but at the same time it leaves me exposed to be screwed over again. I don’t want to be a hard person. I want to be a happy, open, receptive person…and that leaves you wiiiiiide open to people who’d like to use that positivity and naivety for their own ends. It is something that constantly happens to me and I am bringing it on myself.
Recently, we’ve had a huge amount of changes in our lives. We’ve moved three thousand miles away from home, are adjusting to a new climate, a new terrain, a new map, new grocery stores, new bank, new jobs, new landlord, new everything. We went from living comfortably with good jobs to just making it. But for all of that, we are really, really happy and fulfilled that we made this change. We miss our family and friends but social networking sites, the horn, snail mail and Skype have made this a lot easier than it would have been years ago. Thanks to technology, we are mainly able to keep the same exact relationships going and really aren’t lonely much.
So it was very surprising to hear the other day that someone who we have trusted and been disappointed by thousands of times had struck again. This person who I let LIVE in my house for years, stole something from us on the night of our going away party. Stole something from our HOUSE. And we didn’t find out until someone else spilled the beans without realizing it. This person who we see at parties, who we’ve laughed and cried with, who has been there for a thousand good and bad times in my life, who I have (at points) trusted implicitly with my family, my feelings and my home, stole something totally irrelevant from our house. It was a trivet of all things. A pretty one but a trivet. Not a DVD player or something else that’s worth anything monetary just something insignificant (but significant to us bc it’d been a gift). That it’s something small and personal with not like “street value” makes it that much more hurtful. This person has stolen from us before and then bragged to our faces how he does it to other people. How he does it, why he does it, when he does it, what kinds of stuff he steals. And how naive are we? We KNOW he’s done it to us. We KNOW he’s telling us he does it regularly. CLEARLY this person is the type who likes to flirt with getting caught, gets off on the fact that we won’t say anything because we’re nice. And why the hell ARE we so nice? What in the world does this person, this loser, possibly have that we need? He’s funny but so the hell are we. He’s artistic but we are too. (As an aside, he created an “abstract” painting of someone I love’s NUDE body and showed it to me gleefully and pointedly probably KNOWING that I knew what I was seeing but KNOWING that I wouldn’t say anything and I didn’t. I knew at that moment what you were showing me, you’re not getting away with anything you asshole. Also too, anyone can paint a bunch of splotches on a canvas, that doesn’t make you an artist, fella.) And he brings literally nothing else to the table. Not particularly nice, not kind, not generous, not thoughtful, complimentary, gentle, cooperative, helpful…nothing. So what is wrong with us that we have to over and over and over again learn this lesson and put up with it?! And WHY do people keep standing up for him and/or not defending us? Like I don’t need anyone to have my back, I do a fine job of defending myself but what does this guy have that everyone needs? And why in the world am I expected to need it also? I just will never understand the way this world works and when I do, it’ll be time to hand in my number, no doubt.
Maybe you think I am making a mountain out of a molehill. If this were the only circumstance, you’d be right. A small summary of things that his person has done to me and all the people I love are:
*Threw a punch at me and another person
*Yelled at my family
*Created a wedge between my family and myself
*Thrown parties at my mother’s house and left the place a dump
*Took advantage of me at a party once in front of a room full of people
*Disparaged me to anyone who’d listen
*Lied to me
*Used me for money/food/booze/getting into clubs
*Gone on a misogyny website and bragged that not only did I buy him McDonald’s but served it to him at my own computer as well
*Ruined a trip that I always wanted to go on
*Stole from me on more than one occasion (food, liquor, art supplies, CDs, ciggs, trivet, who knows what else?)
The list goes on but I have never once received anything even close to an apology from this person. He just shows up in my life whenever he wants and acts like nothing ever happened. And for some reason, I go along with it. I *think* that my reasoning is that I don’t want to rock the boat. Even now, I’m not saying his name. Why?! I guess I just don’t want to totally disparage someone. I guess I have more class than he does. I guess I just wouldn’t want to put someone through the torture they put me through. Personally, I think it’s enough to have listed these sins. I just don’t want to be that doormat anymore. I don’t ever want to be that stupid little girl again that allows some worthless mooch to place his value over mine and let him get away with it. This last violation and act of bullying on his part has just disgusted me in a way that is final.
Like a huge reason why I came to California is that I wanted to get away from what everyone’s idea of me and what I am capable of is. I mean no one can treat me like crap without my permission but I just wanted to move away and live my own life for myself, free from anyone else’s obligations, ideas, thoughts or expectations. Moreso than anything, I want to be a strong woman in charge of her own life. Too many of us (myself included) get caught up in the trivialities of life and allow the tide to kind of move us along. The reason I am even addressing these trivialities is twofold: To embarrass this creep and to say once and for all that I am not a person that you will get away with taking advantage of. I thank this moron from the bottom of my heart for not only getting himself the hell OUT of my life once and for all but also for giving me my balls back. I WON’T be apologizing for how this makes anyone feel apart from the mutual friends we have that have to inadvertently deal with this bullshit. I am sorry to them that as much as this isn’t their problem, it’s something that has to tarnish even a second of their brainwaves thinking about. What I am NOT sorry about is actually saying it though. I am not sorry that someone took advantage of me and Kristyn and we stood up for ourselves. I am not sorry that we KEPT waiting for this person to grow up and act like an adult. I am not sorry that we gave this person a thousand chances. I am not sorry that this person screwed us over. I am PROUD of being a person who is classy enough to have given someone a thousand chances to prove them self and I am PROUD of both Kristyn and myself for taking a torch to the bridge we have with this person. You are beneath us friend because we are nice people and you are not. Don’t ever forget it and do not ever come near us again. Life is too short to suffer some fools.
And yeah, I might be making myself look bad by even writing this. But anyone who thinks that I should continue taking this fool’s shit without a word can kiss my ass. To quote Chris Rock, “Yeah that’s right, I SAID IT.” To quote me, “Booyah.”
Well said!!! I’m tired of keeping quiet about being taken advantage of. He is irrational, a nasty drunk, opportunistic, a misogynist and frankly a spoiled brat. He lives off everyone elses kindness & money. He gets to live at home with mom n dad, where he is treated like a king cause he’s a male and it’s part of the reason he acts so superior to women and why he is so petulant as to throw a punch at 2 girls.
Thanks Kristyn…I mean how long can you live your life being nice to someone you don’t even like for other people’s sake especially when no one asked you to? At a certain point (now) we had to grow up and realize that we are charting our own course and if we’re gonna let assholes like him come along for the ride, we’re just carrying dead weight. For his sake and everyone’s I hope he grows up and becomes a man. Sadly I wouldn’t take a two dollah bet on that shit.
I don’t think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. People’s actions have consequences. The consequence is not poor asshole getting persecuted because of your words, it’s yours and Kristyn’s feelings, things, and sense of comfort. I know that this is valid, and that isn’t because I was persuaded by either of you guys. I haven’t wasted a thought on the turd in years, hell I wasn’t even around prior to moving away, but I know it is wrong what he did. (Oh by the way, a lil off subject, I thought the mermaid was more like a pin or broche. The thing is big, and he shoved it down his pants and took it in the middle of the party, wow) I can’t explain why this bugs me, certainly none of my business, not that I care ha, but it does. I don’t really know what other people say, but I know I never would defend him, because he is a woman hating jerk and I have seen and heard the fucked up shit he’s said. Whatever guys like that are jokes and I would beat the shit out of him if i found the opportunity, cause he is means to girls blah!
Thanks Bernice….seriously it’s true. You were there and you SAW a lot of the above go down. Honestly for YEARS afterward we never saw him, went out of our way not to see him and like haaaaaated him. But then we became
friends people who also friends with him. And they’re awesome, nice, great people. They’ve just been hanging out with him forever. He thinks they’re cool so he’s on his best behavior with them, he’s said so to us million times. And he’s proven it through his actions. I think
it pisses him off that we’re around but we didn’t become friends with them through him or to piss him off, it just is what it is. So whenever he’s around, we’re nice to him but he ALWAYS says something pointedly rude to us with a smile. We always go home pissed and he loves it. But we don’t say anyhinfbc we don’t want to upset anyone. The problem with that is if you bring it up later, you’re a liar or it’s irrelevant bc it isn’t happening right at this moment and that’s not how it’s gonna be anymore. Each and every time he screws us over it’s gonna be on blast and next time I’ll use his name. I don’t care if it makes me look “bad”. This isn’t high school I am a grown woman. If he wants to screw us over though subtlety won’t work anymore bc we’re faaaar away AND refuse to be in the same room as him.
Oh and yeah the mermaid is BIG and it is HEAVY Bernice. It’s like solid steel or something. What a douchebags.
I’m sure he’ll apologize. At the next party, he’ll go on about what bitches we are and how he was just innocently taking something that he thought he could (tho, why you wouldnt do that out in the open and felt like you had to put it down your pants is beyond me…) and once he’s done with disparaging us, he’ll say, “And I’m sorry [insert name of person who gave me the trivet], if I had known you had given it to them, i wouldn’t have taken it!”
And I say this because, he only acts right with those he thinks are cool or he needs something from. He’s always nice to us in front of that group cos he knows they are friends with us now. But he’ll say fucked up shit on a side to us at a party when no one else is in the conversation. I mean, he’s laughed in my face and told me he hated me and then continued on as if he said nothing at all.
He has told us he’s uncomfortable around this group, that he cant be himself. He’s told us that he thinks his other groups of friends hate him and dont want him around. He’s told us how he hates friends of his that he hangs out with EVERY DAY, that he cant stand them, thinks they are alcoholics, have dirty houses, and are boring.
I remember the time I told him a painting of his would be better viewed upside down. He scratched his head, said hmm, maybe… Then I heard him say to someone else later, “And I made this painting and then I had an epiphany!! I turned it UPSIDE DOWN and looked at it for a while and then realized WOW, its so much better that way!!”
And the only reason why he came to our going away party was cos he knows we always provide alcohol to our guests and that we would be giving away a bunch of our stuff. Again, ever the free-loader, he shows up.
In an email to us yesterday, he says,:
well, i believe this is concerning the mermaid figure that i had taken. I for one had thought, since you guys were giving your stuff away or donating it cause you couldn’t pack anymore things for the journey to your new place, that i would take it ….since you guys were giving your stuff away or donating it cause you couldn’t pack anymore things for
the journey to your new place, that i would take it. I am sorry for thinking that that was the situation at your home that night. since i had been hearing that you guys were a.
selling things. than b. giving things away ..i thought it would be fine.
SO YOU STUFF IT DOWN YOUR PANTS AND DONT SAY ANYTHING?? Here’s a survey question, if your good friends were moving 3,000 miles away, had a goodbye party and said we are giving stuff away, would you:
a) walk around and if you saw something you wanted ask your friends if you could have it?
b) wait until your friends pointed out the areas of the apartment that had stuff to be taken and then take something from there and show what you have before you just claim it as your definite bounty?
OR
c) find something thats all by itself on the stove, in a room that had nothing else we were getting rid of, and stuff it down your pants?
We had a friend that came over, that we hadnt talked to in years, that we gave stuff to and he was soooo nice as to leave a $20 bill under our floor mat in thanks. But this douchebag that we see all the time and have known for 10+ years, comes, drinks, steals, leaves….
See, I cant…I will go on and on……
WOW BOOYAH YO!!! Could not have said it better myself. And it’s all true. It’s that skewed ass-covering “everyone else is to blame for my lack of morals” mentality that makes me crazy. And it’s constant with him. If any of you knew what he really says about you when you’re not here, you’d be floored. And he tells us this shit. Scum. Of. The. Earth.
Omgosh, he fucking emailed you! He emailed you and got fucking snooty, like how dare you be fucking mad that he stole something of yours. Like you silly little girl, you asked for it. The email needs to be rewritten:
Dear Kristyn (Bitch),
Why are you talking smack about me cause I took a mermaid. It isn’t even that cool, I took it cause I wanted it at the time. I still would have taken it even if you didn’t want to give it to me. So stop going on about it not being up for grabs, look who you are talking to. Listen here lil lady, in this world, my world I get what I want, cigs, food, alcohol, hell even your girl. You will just have to live with it. I can’t believe you are telling people I am a thief just because I stole from you sheesh. Now I have to take time out from being worshiped to tell people what a sensitive baby you are. I am going to have to muster up some fake sincerity and convince people you and Coleen are again blowing things out of proportion and that she is in fact Satan, and you created the swine flu. I am so cool, my glasses will never fall off of my big nose. I got to go now, there is a party I am not invited to but there is this nice vintage book I have had my eye on for a while, that and men’s balls. Supress you laters, ho’s.
Low nipples!!! Thats all I have to say!